When to kiss the cheek of a businessperson who happens to be a woman: when, and only when, the woman is your wife, your mother, or your daughter, and there better be no tongue with those last two. Additional time to kiss a businesswoman's cheek: when she has inexorably begin the process of kissing yours. Do not lie on your résumé. Exaggeration is lying. When writing to request employment: personal stationery, not the letterhead of a current or former employer. Especially if your current employer is Fatburger. Your personal stationery shall be plain in aspect and lacking in such decoration as balloons and clowns. When you show up for a job interview: Be on time. Definition of "on time": exactly five minutes early, no less, no more. References: you ask someone if he's willing to vouch for you before listing him as a reference. What to do when a prospective employer calls to ask about someone who has listed you as a reference without your permission: Recall the applicant's fondness for taxidermy, his desktop ant farm, and his garlicky homemade hummus. How to get someone off the phone: Pretend to glance at your watch, then exclaim something along the lines of "Great horny toads, sorry to interrupt you, but I was supposed to be in a budget meeting ten minutes ago!" We didn't literally mean you should say, "Great horny toads." The business letter: Never commit strong feelings, especially those pertaining to love or anger, to paper, especially not letterhead. Business letters that are not brief and to the point are much less likely to be effective or to spark a timely responseif only because it takes more time to craft a response to a complicated missive. After the interview, if you haven't heard back: Wait one week and two days, then call to "check in." When you get the job: Keep your head down and your voice soft for a time, because you are fresh meat, and fresh meat is as vulnerable as a soft and fuzzy lamb. There is no upside to telling coworkers that they look as if they've lost or gained weight. Eating at your desk is to be avoided. If you toss the remains of that fish taco in your own trash can, you and your colleagues will smell it the rest of the day. Better to discard it upstairs in accounting. Everybody who drinks the office coffee should occasionally make a pot. Introducing yourself by name, even to people who should remember who you are, is the gentlemanly thing to do. On the subject of names: no nicknames, especially those with the word happypants. In most cases, the use of terms like "gal Friday" is not a good program, either. If you think you must wear aftershave or cologne, you're mistaken. At the restaurant: Traditionally you don't talk business until dessert and/or coffee. When you get up to take a phone call or use the bathroom, you leave your napkin on your chair, not on the table. Because no one wants to see your wrinkled, stained linen next to his swordfish carpaccio. When it comes to food, never order anything that is difficult to eat. All you need to know about which fork goes where: The cutlery you should be using for each course will be the cutlery farthest from the plate on each side of it during that course. Scientific fact: Nobody is paying the slightest attention to which fork you're using unless you've stuck it into your head. What to do when you notice that someone's trousers are unzipped: You affect a Boston accent and loudly hiss, "The bahn door is open at McGillicuddy's fahm!" Actually, you tell this someone quietly and matter-of-factly, "Someone, it looks as if your pants have come unzipped." Do not accept credit for other people's brilliant ideas. When you have screwed up, say something like, "I made a mistake." Then don't screw up again. People who are thought to be calling in sick when they are not sick will be considered untrustworthy, whiny, and weak. Dressing well for work directly translates to your eventually making more money than you otherwise would. There is no kind of sexual interaction with coworkers or clients that will help your career in the long run. Cases in point: Donna Rice, Jessica Hahn, Gennifer Flowers, Barney Frank's congressional page. Yes, those Lewinsky handbags seem to be selling pretty well, but still. And as it begins, so shall it end: with the handshake. The handshake that starts as a handshake but is then used to pull you into a hug: Decide whether to submit to such affection on a case-by-case basis. It's usually easiest to just give in and let yourself be hugged. It all begins with the handshake. The handshake shall be firm, fast, and free of excess perspiration. Translation: Firm means a squeeze, but not a hard squeeze. Fast means that this squeeze happens in an instant and is not sustained. As for perspiration, that was discreetly wiped off on your trousers a few seconds ago. Extending one's hand as if to shake, then suddenly withdrawing same and smoothing back one's hair: You, Fonzie, are fired.